As you may or may not know, I read grammar books for fun. Wait! Don’t unsubscribe! This will be muy, muy interesante.
I write this from the comfort of my kitchen, cozy with a cup of tea in hand, indoor plumbing nearby. I create to do and to pack lists for departure this Thursday, predicting needs as yet uninvented. It weighs heavily on my mind that the beginning of the Guatemalan odyssey will be fraught with time away from a computer; days unplugged, with a fledgling blog struggling for survival. The agony.
There is no problem without a solution.
WordPress has a scheduling feature, so I can pre-write posts! Huzzah! It gets tricky, though, because I will be wandering around spectacular Mayan ruins next weekend. I suspect that you, my dear readers, would choose masterful tales of jungle adventures, rather than a thoughtful discussion about whether my next cup should be English Breakfast or Decaf Chai.
Here’s the solution: I’ve invented a new tense to accommodate the situation. A new tense, you say? Way to complicate a confusing, erratic, and outdated system! Heavens, didn’t we already do away with tenses, as well as a number of pesky vowels, with the wonders of texting? Are you loco?!? By the bye, you are also breaking your rule of one exclamation mark per document, and there are clients reading!*
Hold on, hold on. First a quick review of our bountiful English tenses:
Yes, yes, I can almost hear you say. We know all this. But have you noticed there is no way for me to express what I experienced next Saturday? Technological advancements insist on this new tense. Because I am ever hopeful for a good outcome, I’m calling it Anticipatory Future Perfect™ Let’s give it a try, shall we?
Next weekend, I will have exploring Tikal, an ancient Mayan site excavated by the University of Pennsylvania in the 1960s. I will have signing up for the 4:30 am sunrise tour (yeah, like that will have going to be worth it to see a hungry jaguar rip open a slow tour groupmate). Fortunately, it will have raining a bit that early, so we will have having time for an extra cup of coffee while will have propping sleepy eyelids open.
The ruins are amazing. I will have wondering in awe as my mind will have traveling 2500 years in the past, will have contemplating the start of this unique civilization. I will have imagining ancient peoples populating the plazas, merchants convincing Mayan moms that they carry the latest in clay pottery, while impish children scramble up the sides of holy temples, bringing the wrath of the gods upon their entire family. It reminds me of the time that the kids climbed the giant sculpture at the Idaho Museum of the Potato.
The walking tour will have continuing for four hours. After will have fighting howler monkeys off our well-earned snacks, will have hacking through virgin forests in hopes of finding that blasted path (did I mention that I had a good recommendation for a naturalist tour guide?), we will have arriving back at the hotel, short only two members of our original group, which I understand is a pretty good tally.
Pretty amazing no one has ever thought of doing this before, eh? Obviously, there is much more work to do. For instance, how does one distinguish between future actions that will probably happen, as opposed to ones the could come to pass but might not, or even events that are highly unlikely? I will have accepting my grant within the year for further study and development.
Stayed tuned tomorrow for tips on mapping a sentence written in Anticipatory Future Perfect™.
*Please note: I am a trained professional. Do not overindulge in exclamation marks without supervision. It feels good while you do it, sure, but you feel like crap the next day. Trust me.